Today I’d like to introduce another friend—also an author—whose friendship has been formative in my Christian walk.  Her name is Mary Ethel Eckard of Dragonfly Ministries.  Her new book, “The Making of a Dragonfly: Following Christ Through the Winds of Change” was recently nominated for the Henri award in the motivational category of the 2018 Christian Literary Awards. 

Indeed, a well-deserved nomination for an inspirational study teaching us to face our fears, embrace the stillness, know the gift of loneliness, and to wait upon God for healing of old wounds we all know, whether midlife crisis, marital conflict, or just everyday life.  These are the winds of change Mary has experienced during which Jesus Christ asked for her obedience to the command to follow.  Today, some questions for Mary:

Barbara: Some people might think the dragonfly isn’t exactly a Christian symbol like the fish.  Why a dragonfly?

Mary:  During an extremely difficult time of life when I was seeking God, it seemed He was nowhere to be found. At the same time, my sons were collecting dead bugs to put together an insect collection to take to the Dallas Zoo Trade Store for children. As I walked each morning, seeking God, I also had my eyes scanning the sidewalks and roads looking for dead bugs. At the end of 3 days of continual praying with seemingly no answer from God in sight, I suddenly found a perfect dead dragonfly, the very one I’d prayed for, to add to their collection. I began researching the symbolism of a dragonfly and I found “The dragonfly is a symbol of growth and development.” We are much like the dragonfly, created to grow and develop into all God has purposed for us. We are our strongest and best when we stay close to our source of strength, the SON light. As we absorb His light, His Holy Spirit teaches, guides, and shines through us so others are drawn to Him. The dragonfly reminds us we too can reflect the light of Christ in a darkened world by letting His Son shine through us.

B: One of the things that really resonated with me early in your book was your mention of a Christian study called “Experiencing God.”  It was probably the most formative book study I’ve ever done outside of the Bible.  In your experience, what were the most important takeaways from doing that study?

Mary: There are three things that have stayed with me the 18 years since I first went through this wonderful study.

1. Being a Christ follower is about having a relationship with God. The word ‘relationship’ was new to me. I am relational, but had never known that I could have a one-on-one relationship with my Creator. This study taught me that God desired a love relationship with me.
2. We can hear God’s voice, He speaks to us constantly.  However, if we do not know the sound of His voice, we miss out. He speaks love, encouragement, direction, guidance, correction, and purpose. We need only to learn to recognize His voice. This study helped me hone my spiritual listening skills.
3. Walking in obedience to God’s ways will often bring about a crisis of belief.  We hear from God but may second-guess or doubt what He has asked us to do. This study taught me to move forward in obedience, not allowing the lack of trust to interfere with obedience.

B: Your book takes us from your childhood through your current ministry.  I was reminded of Adam and Eve being childlike in the Garden until the Fall of Man when they tried to hide from God.  What has God taught you about instincts toward shame and hiding through your life experiences?

Mary: In the first chapter of the book, I jump right in to share my years of rebellious living because I want the reader to know, right off the bat, that I am a Christ follower and a sinner saved by grace. My rebellious living ended after a few years and I turned back to Christ. But the consequences of those years took much longer to settle within my heart. The shame and sadness I encountered because of my poor decisions held me back from fully devoting my life to Christ. I felt the need to work my way back into His graces because I didn’t feel worthy of forgiveness or receiving God’s love. 

B: Was it hard learning to overcome the theology of earning God’s favor? 

Mary: Yes.  I took the slow road to stepping back into God’s family. It took several years for me to understand God’s forgiveness and grace. However, the rebellious years did teach me what life is like apart from God, and I do not ever want to step back into that lonely place ever again. 

B: Does shame always come from sin or does it also come from simple failure, etc.?

Mary: Shame attacks us from many directions; it can come from our sins, our failures, from words spoken by others, by wrong perceptions or perspectives. Only when I understood the truth of my identity in Christ, that I have significance and value, was I able to park shame in the back parking lot, turn the lights off, and throw away the keys. It no longer drives my life, my thoughts, my journey.

B: Tell us a little bit about the “gift of loneliness” since most of us hardly ever view it as a gift.

Mary: There are days, even seasons, when loneliness tries to settle into our spirits and render us lifeless, useless, even hopeless. It’s not a loneliness to be in the presence of people; that loneliness is more easily remedied. Even when I had no one around to actively be with, I’ve cured that loneliness by sitting in a coffee shop by myself, just to be around people. But the loneliness I’m referring to as the gift is that sense, deep in your spirit, where you long for something that seems to be untouchable, unreachable. It’s like a hole in the heart or in the gut that cannot be satisfied by anyone or anything. It’s painful, it calls out for help, and it laughs mockingly when the remedy doesn’t come. Until one learns how to quiet it, calm it, and put it to rest.

B: What do you think that loneliness wants?

Mary: Peace. Peace that comes from Jesus. He is our Peace. (Ephesians 2:14). So, when that loneliness comes, I have learned to find a quiet place and sit with it. Not to feed it because what we feed grows. No, I sit with it to soothe it and give it peace.

B:  How do you do that?

Mary: I give it Jesus. I sing praise songs, read Scripture or a Christian book. I journal. I pray and pray and pray some more. I read Scripture out loud so the earthly and spiritual realm can have God’s words put in the atmosphere. And something amazing happens.  Peace comes and when it does, God does a little bit more healing in my heart, my soul, my spirit. Peace is a beautiful gift from God. Healing is a gift from God. Developing a relationship with God is a gift. This inner loneliness drives me to spiritual practices, which draw me closer to my Lord and Savior, which can only be seen as a gift.

B: Much of your book addresses pain in relationships with God and others, something we all can understand.  You spoke of fearing that God “didn’t need me anymore. The hurt of rejection set in, along with the conclusion friends would always leave me.”  What did you find was the best way to confront this pain?

Mary: By seeking God through prayer and reading Scripture. Somehow, the Lord placed within me the desire to know who He truly was from a personal relationship with Him. I had, up to this point, only a secondhand knowledge of God. All I knew about Him came through the teachings of other people. When I began reading Scripture, I began listing the attributes and characteristics of God and began to understand who He truly is! As I began to know Him, I began to understand His love for me. It took me many years beyond understanding to be able to receive His love, but it was a giant step forward in my walk with Him.

B: In your book, you write, “But He had me on hold. It was frustrating when He did not immediately put me on task or send me out.”  You spoke of restlessness during the wait and some of the aspects of frustration.  To what extent does our frustration come directly from our inability to “manipulate, control or influence the pace of God’s plan”?

Mary: Personally, this was the biggest part of the frustration. I needed to learn that my ways, my timing, my plan (my, my, my) were not the drivers behind God’s plan. I have also learned when the restlessness comes because of the wait, I am to be cautious of trying to fill that space of time with busy-making activities. Another aspect of not being able to manipulate, control or influence the pace of God’s plan is having to “answer for God” when I am not moving at the desired pace of others who want me to do things in their timing. It’s a crazy cycle – people press me and I don’t move in their timing; I press God and He doesn’t move in my timing; and the people come back around to press me again. Learning to sit, walk or run in God’s timing is a great discipline to grasp and learn.

B:  You talk about the awkwardness of silence.  What are some of the things that make silence awkward?

Mary: The awkwardness comes when we are first developing the discipline of being silent with God. My first extended quiet time with God was awkward because previous quiet times had been at my direction and under my control. I set the time, the place, the Bible reading, and the short prayer time. In an extended quiet time, I brought my same materials and was finished in the usual ten minutes. I had another block of time committed to this quiet time, and had no idea what to do with it. Relaxing was difficult. Stilling the voices, distractions and to-do lists in my head were more difficult. I had to force myself to stay with it, to train my physical body to “just be” and to give my spirit the time and permission to connect with the Holy Spirit. Because I was new to this practice, it took a while. The more I practiced this discipline, the easier it became and the quicker it was to scoot my physical body out of the way and usher in the spiritual connection.

B: One of the more frequent commands in the Bible is “Do not fear.”  Why is transforming fear into a stepping stone important? 

Mary: Fear paralyzes and keeps us from growth and maturity. It keeps us small, hidden, and ineffective.

B:  What is it about fear that is so “paralyzing and destructive” to make it such an enemy of obedience?

Mary: God loves to stretch us, to press us outside our comfort zone. If we are walking in obedience to God, chances are we are going to be stretched more than we expected. Fear and pride step in and chide us with fear of failure, rejection, looking silly, even persecution.

B: What’s the outcome? 

Mary: Well, it’s easier to give in than step out.  But it’s always to our benefit to walk in obedience to God.

B: You wrote, “I tried to keep my personal life separate from work. I didn’t want to be treated differently because of the personal storm, and I didn’t want to dishonor forever husband… I didn’t want anyone thinking poorly of him. Love always protects.”  What unique challenges face this type of “testimonial ministry” in honoring that love while still being true to your testimony?

Mary: I share this story out of obedience to God. To share the healing and restoration power of God, some details had to be shared about the relationship struggles taking place within the marriage. Some information was shared about the aspects and stages of midlife crisis, and I was able to use the words of other authors to give insight into forever husband and offer perspective during this time. My desire to honor forever husband was coupled with my desire to write the story God was directing me to write, so I leaned heavily into Him in what and how to write the difficult chapters.

B: It must have been difficult.  Maybe that’s why I so liked the quote, “I chose to forgive. It was a mind decision made daily, sometimes momentarily, until it became automatic and unconditional. Forgiveness did not come overnight. It was a process.” Why do you believe forgiveness begins with a decision?

Mary: With a broken heart, I couldn’t trust my emotions to make decisions. I worked hard to move my thinking process out of the emotional and into the mental and spiritual. Because of the depth of my pain, my emotions wanted to hold onto the unforgiveness so I could stay angry and somehow blame forever husband. But my mental and spiritual aspects knew better; unforgiveness would harm me more and put a barrier between me and my relationship with God. So, I mentally chose God’s way of forgiveness. Once my mindset shifted, the prayers for forever husband shifted. Once the prayers shifted, forgiveness came closer until it finally settled in my heart. With forgiveness being a mind decision, I was then able to take the negative thoughts and mentally wash them in the blood of Jesus. The graphic in my mind was to take each memory, each negative word, action or thought, and place it at the foot of the cross, allowing the blood of Jesus to cover it as it dripped from His body. Washing the memories with the blood of Jesus reminded me of the forgiveness I had received many years earlier by the same blood.

B: Forgive my asking if it’s too personal, but do you still view “forever husband” as forever?  In what ways do you see him this way?

Mary: Thank you for asking a question I’m sure many people would like answered, including me. At the present time, God has only shown me to believe in marriage, in the covenant relationship made through the marital vows, and to trust He alone can heal relationships, even those He joined.  After all, that’s why Jesus came: to restore, to heal and to set captives free (Isaiah 61:1-2).  As I’ve prayed about God’s healing broken hearts, even to restore marriages that He bound together, what God has told me now is that I am in a place of final healing from my hurts which have been in a lifetime in the making.  I was captive to my past, but I’m being freed from the old wounds.  He has shown me that too quickly we run into new relationships thinking the new person will fix us, but only by God’s grace can our old wounds be healed.  God knows the desire of my heart, so I pray for forever husband’s healing, too, by God’s unconditional love.  It’s an act of compassion and grace to keep loving others (whether family or friends) even when we’re hurting, even when we’ve hurt each other.  But “love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres”(1 Corinthians 13:7), right? I will never let go of that.  So, regarding forever husband?  I choose to love him because Christ loves me.  And that’s forever. 

B:  Finally, it seems God’s ministry for you is presently a chance to “bring restoration and reconciliation to broken marriages.”  Why do you think you had to walk this road to be able to minister? 

Mary: This is an awesome question, one I ponder often. Walking this journey has given me great insight into the midlife transition that all individuals take in life. Each of us have a maturation process, and emotional maturity is usually the last frontier in life. (Note: Spiritual maturity is ongoing, and we don’t reach full maturity in this life – ever). Midlife crisis is all about reaching emotional maturity. I have learned much through the website, “Heart’s Blessing, The Stages and Lessons of Midlife”, and God has given me many opportunities to speak some truth into marriages that are in the midst of this journey. I would not have been aware of midlife crisis or the marital struggles that come from this stage of life had I not gone through this.

B: Mary, thank you so much for sharing your heart, your insights, and your journey with us.  I can only speak for myself, but I feel like I’ve been blessed to soar with you through the winds of change.  Whether it’s lessons for mid-life, how to hold on through the storms, letting step stones put my fears under my feet and behind me, and seeing how today’s troubles might be tomorrow’s ministry area, there are many positive lessons I’ve learned.  I hope you, my readers, have enjoyed today’s interview and have been blessed by this time together.

* * *

Mary Ethel Eckard is northern-born and southern-bred. Her childhood roots are from York, South Carolina. Her years in ministry have also developed friendships around the world.  Mary’s desire is to see others know God in a personal way and walk in His grace and freedom.  Mary is the co-founder of Dragonfly Ministries, a ministry dedicated to the spiritual growth and encouragement of God’s children. She blogs at maryetheleckard.com and travels internationally to speak and teach at conferences, workshops, retreats, and crusades. If you would like to schedule Mary to speak at your event, please contact her at admin@maryetheleckard.com 

God has blessed me with friendship with some amazing women.  One of them is Karen Loss, author of Trekking Through Cancerland .  She is a survivor of Stage 4 lung cancer though she never was a smoker.  Today, I’d like to share our friendship with you, my readers, so you might be blessed and encouraged if you know someone who has had or is battling cancer. 

It’s been a little over 4 years since Trekking Through Cancerland was published.  I’d like to ask some questions about what God has been teaching you.  

Barbara:  What are your thoughts, looking back over your journey of the past 4 years?  When you wrote the book were you expecting to be here at this juncture?

Karen Loss:  I was literally an open book on what I expected regarding this whole lung cancer journey. I guess, in the beginning, after I learned the dire 1 and 5-year survival statistics for stage 4 lung cancer patients, I thought there was a good likelihood I might not survive for very long. I never really gave it a lot of thought, though, in terms of calendar expectations. What I did do, is think about how I would hope to be remembered, how I wanted to live my life, what kind of legacy I hoped to leave behind, what kind of funeral I would want…that sort of thing.

B:  Where do you stand medically? 

KL:  After more than 5 1/2 years since my diagnosis with stage 4 lung cancer, I am currently not undergoing any treatment.  I’ve had two different courses of chemotherapy, radiation, immunotherapy and a clinical trial with a combination of immunotherapy plus a trial drug.  After all of that, especially the combo trial, I needed a break. There is still cancer inside my body, but it has remained stable for more than a year now. I continue to get scanned every three months to keep a close eye on where things stand so that I can prepare for renewed treatment if that becomes necessary.

B:  What advice would you have about living life with a cancer diagnosis and a wide array of treatment options, including experimental options? 

KL:  I would say that a newly diagnosed patient should connect with other patients through online patient groups on Facebook, or through some of the cancer specific non-profits. It is important for people to understand that there IS hope, even though some of the generic statistics they may run across may seem like there is no hope. We have a mantra among patients in the lung cancer community, “Believe the diagnosis…don’t believe the prognosis.” The reason for that is that too often doctors tell patients they have a very serious diagnosis and they should go home, get their affairs in order and expect to die within months. For most of us, our minds are wired such that we take them at their word. This causes many to wait to die rather than to try to live. It makes a world of difference.

Lung cancer is a very deadly form of cancer that, until the past decade had very few treatment options beyond surgery for early stage disease and chemotherapy for late stage.  Now, we’ve added several targeted therapies, immunotherapies, specialized radiation procedures, combo therapies, etc. The needle is beginning to move. It’s a big mountain to climb, but at least we’re on the wall now with our climbing gear intact.

B:  What kept you busy during your cancer treatments up through these recent days? 

KL:  Throughout my lung cancer journey, I have continued to work full-time. My employer has allowed me to take medical time off, as needed, and that has primarily been for the myriad appointments any cancer patient is faced with. When my body has not been ravaged by treatment side-effects, I’ve done some traveling…to Australia and New Zealand on one trip, to England and Scotland on another, and to Ireland on still another. I am hoping to plan an upcoming trip to Israel. My attitude is that I may live long enough to retire and do the traveling I enjoy, but that is less assured for me than for many, so I try to take advantage of opportunities sooner rather than later.

I also find time to serve as a lung cancer patient advocate whenever opportunities present themselves. I speak to audiences large and small, serve on the occasional roundtable with government, pharmaceutical, non-profit and research reps, do local TV spots, especially during lung cancer awareness month each November, and fundraise for some of the lung cancer non-profits.

B:  What lessons has this additional time taught you? 

KL: I guess it has helped me to focus on living in the moment and on paying attention to the important stuff in life. I’ve said that until I was diagnosed with lung cancer at age 53, I still was struggling to find my purpose in life. After I was diagnosed and began to see how I could play a role in helping others through my experience, I realized that I’d found my purpose. In fact, I think God used my first five decades to mold me for just this time and need.

B:  It could probably be discouraging.  What keeps your spirits high? 

KL:  I guess I’d say my friends, my family, my ability to communicate with others and share not only my journey through what I call cancerland, but also how my faith supports that whole experience. Some might find it morbid to think about one’s coming death, but for me, it is, in a way, thrilling to contemplate. I picture myself with Jesus and can’t even fully comprehend the joy I expect to feel when that day arrives. How could my spirits not be high when I have this to look forward to?

B:  When your body is weakened by treatments, how does that affect your mental state? 

KL:  Oh, side effect sickness can definitely drag me down. My last course of treatments was 13 months on a combo clinical trial that caused me to have significant and highly unpleasant gastrointestinal side effects the entire time. It was a hard decision for me to decide whether to continue, or whether to pull out of the trial the last few months I was in it. I continued working but had to deal with all the side effects on a constant basis. It seemed the drugs were helping to keep my disease stable, so that was good, right? But I was rather miserable and unable to do things I wanted to do, like travel…any kind of travel. This all weighed on me and caused a degree of mental stress along with the physical issues. Eventually, after much contemplation, research, prayer, and consultation with medical staff, I decided to end my trial. It took a weight off my shoulders, and I felt better almost immediately. For me, once the decision is made, I am able to relax, and that is certainly a good thing, especially for a cancer patient.

B:  What kinds of things can help with the attitude and outlook during times of sadness and stress? 

KL:  In the lung cancer community, unfortunately, we lose friends literally all the time. This is a disease that respects no one. We grieve with the families but know that we are also among friends who all understand the challenges and struggles. This is why I believe it is so important and helpful to get connected with others who are experiencing the same disease, the same kinds of treatment, etc. As much as family members and friends want to help and try to understand, there is a closeness that they cannot be a part of that happens among those with shared experiences. We can talk things out, share one another’s shoulders, gain new treatment information and so much more in this way.

B:  What role does your faith play? 

KL:  My faith was the very first thing at play when I received this diagnosis, and the uterine and ovarian cancer diagnoses 16 years before it. I didn’t know until sometime later, but for months leading up to my earlier cancer diagnoses, I would often find myself lying in bed at night just thinking about how I would hope to react if I was ever told I had cancer. I actually analyzed how I might respond, what it might mean for my lifespan, how I would want others to see me, etc. By the time I actually was diagnosed with cancer, it was as though I had practiced for the moment, for indeed, I had done just that. When I looked back, I realized that this strange little repeat nightly contemplation was a preparation for what was to come. I am certain that God knew exactly what I needed, and what I could do with it. So, I try constantly to keep my faith in God through Jesus Christ at the center of my life, and I have tried to share this through my continuing letter series that I began the day I was diagnosed with lung cancer.  The first 9-months of that became my book Trekking Through Cancerland, but it is ongoing to this day, nearly 5 years later. I consciously seek to write to my hundreds of recipients in a way that will share the faith that undergirds my life and the reason for it. I am not shy about wanting to inspire people not just to realize that a late-stage cancer patient can go on living a joyful life, but that ultimately that joy does not happen in a vacuum. It comes from God Himself.

B:  What do you find has been the most difficult part of advocacy work? 

KL: There are multiple things that can be hard in varying degrees at any given time when doing advocacy. Lung cancer patients always face what we call “the smoker’s stigma”. It is ubiquitous. So, we work hard to educate over and around that, and do our best to eliminate it. This leads to another challenge:  it is hard to get the fuller message out unless people and organizations with built-in audiences give us a chance to share our experiences, to increase awareness, and/or even be a champion for lung cancer research.  I have to accept my current reality, too, and that is that I work full-time.  Some of my lung cancer colleagues who are retired or on disability have greater flexibility to take on more opportunities.  The flip side is it leads to something like the old “rolodex syndrome” where the same half dozen or so people become “the voice” when reality is each person’s cancer story is their story.  When you’ve heard one, you’ve… heard one.  I feel that my strength lies in providing education and awareness to the general public, whereas some of my patient advocate colleagues are more geared toward the science and research end of things, and in some cases the work of lobbying state and national legislatures.  Hopefully, the people looking for speakers on lung cancer will begin to see there is a great need for patient/advocate speakers covering all aspects that our experience brings to bear. It gives me great joy to share my experience and I’d love to do more as a blessing to others.

B:  Do you (and why do you) think a stigma still surrounds lung cancer? 

KL:  Yes, there is no doubt the stigma still exists in a very big way. Education and awareness about lung cancer have been severely lacking and remain so. Just recently, the largest cancer non-profit in the nation, the American Cancer Society, put out a one-question survey asking what the most important cancer concern was and they didn’t even include lung cancer among the possible answers. Other individual cancers were named, four different smoking cessation-type answers were provided as options. Because we lung cancer patients, as a community, have been beaten down by the stigma for so long, especially by this organization and some others, it seemed apparent that those tobacco answers were put there in place of lung cancer…even though lung cancer kills more than the next four most deadly cancers combined.  So, there is a great deal of education and awareness still to be done.

B:  What advice would you have for women who have received a cancer diagnosis?

KL:  I would say “Have hope!” A lung cancer diagnosis is not necessarily a death sentence, but it is something to be taken very seriously, indeed. Many other women are still fighting the battle and have experience they are willing to share. If the woman (or man) is a smoker, they should quit. That goes without saying. There are many treatment possibilities available now, and more are on the horizon. It is very important for the patient and her caregiver (if she has one) to do their own research and become advocates for her care. I am often asked if I believe in shared decision making (being on an equal footing with one’s doctor in regard to the decision-making process). In reality though, I simply ask for and listen to the advice of my medical care team, and then I alone make the final decision. I would say that each individual has to find out what is most comfortable for her and not be afraid to ask questions, seek needed answers, and simply stand strong as an able, competent human being. After all, anyone from any profession, race, socioeconomic status, etc. could be in the same shoes.

Finally, I would say, she should take up the mantra “I’m not dying of lung cancer. I’m living with it!” Keeping a positive outlook as much as possible really does make a difference. It may not lengthen a person’s life, but it makes whatever time that person has much better. By the way, laughter really can be the best medicine. 🙂

B:  Thank you, Karen, for being an inspiration to me and an advocate for people diagnosed with cancer.  I often marvel at the many places you’ve gone and the roads less traveled where you traveled by faith.  

***

Karen has been a guest on numerous advocacy programs, a columnist for lungcancer.net and threw out a ceremonial first pitch at a Washington Nationals Game for cancer awareness. Enjoy these photos Courtesy of the Washington Nationals.  To reach her regarding speaking engagements to encourage your cancer support group, women’s ministry group, ask a question or just to say “Thank you for sharing your journey”, you can reach her via her Facebook page.